Looking at the Past

The last time I was active with my art was probably the early 90’s. It’s been a long time.  Somewhere along the line I lost my will and my ambition and closed that part of myself off.

While I may have abandoned drawing & painting for the past couple of decades, I didn’t throw away the old stuff, and I had not looked at it in years. Today in a crazy burst of house cleaning, I came across the large brown envelope of a portfolio that I stored them in and took some time to browse them.

It was a rediscovery of sorts. My perception of what I did had been clouded over time. While I wouldn’t say most of them were up to my adult standards of what I would consider finished pieces today, there were some interesting things to see in there.

The first thing I discovered is that what I like to draw, and my “motifs” haven’t changed. Flowers, mushrooms, general design concepts – all remain fairly unchanged through today and I see them in my random mindless doodles that cover most of my agenda papers and meeting notes from various meetings I’m required to attend. I realized I fall on some of the same conventions after all these years as well. I draw my stylized leaves the same, my sunflowers are the same, numbers show up as decorative accents. 

Next, I discovered that right before I abandoned everything my skills had made a good jump, especially my line work. I didn’t see it at the time. Today, I think some of it is quite good even if sadly, the skill has not remained. This is mostly due to a long history of working with heavy machinery and keyboards which causes my fingers to go numb, especially if I draw without a break for 10 minutes. I suppose modern medicine will have to cure that one.

But I digress…

I get a little mad at myself when I see now, quite clearly, what I couldn’t then. If I could have spent the past 15 years cultivating that skill, I’d love to see what I’d be able to do now. I suppose there is not use crying over spilt milk as they say. In the past I was occupied with being someone else and my eyes were “on the prize”. I like it better now that I’m old enough to know I’m just who I am and that I will have to be happy with what my are says and how it says it.

Dogwoods Unfinished

Dogwoods Unfinished

I am intregued with a particular drawing of dogwood flowers. I started it but never finished. Something about the piece feels right to me. The way the leaves are completed, but the flowers remain blank. Iwonder if it had been the other way around, with only the flowers finished would it would be more accepted because the they should be the main focus, correct? Still, I’d never try to go back to it now – it tells me its story is finished.

Sunflower Portrait

Sunflower Portrait

Another unfinished piece is particularly motivating. It’s a bust or cameo style portrait of no-one in particular, but the background of marble tiles, was coming out great using nothing but dots. I know I need to address that method and look again.

Sad Kitty

Sad Kitty

Lastly, I think the picture I did of a sad cat was the one that “broke” me. I remember working and reworking that picture and it never satisfied me. It was the one drawing that said – you can’t do this – you are not good enough. I suppose I look at it today and I don’t see as much wrong with it as I once did, my frustrations were in play way back when. Even though I did other things after I know my spirit wasn’t the same then. I became a more “practical” person after that and much of the playful aspects like the border of caterpillars in the mushroom drawing dissapeared.

Mushrooms

Mushrooms

It’s a learning process and I don’t thing I’d want to go back to those times even if I wished I had traveled a different path. I had a conversation with my brother today about how sometimes, you need to mature in order to produce what you wanted and to go where you were ment to go. I realize this is contrary to what many people think, that youth holds all the cards in the creative universe, but maybe some of us need to be forced to learn some of life’s lessons before we can let go.

I’ve long wondered if my voice was still there, or if I even had one, but it’s there all right. I may not know what it is saying right now, but it won’t be denied. It is consistent.

The 30 Day Sketch Project

I’ve been asked to explain what “the point” was with the 30 Day Sketch Project. You might ask me  if I identify as a creative person and an artist shouldn’t I sketch everyday anyway?

Wobbly Waitress

Wobbly Waitress

When I was a teen, sketching & drawing was done without much thought, that is to say – if the mood struck me, I would sit down and draw something. Sometimes these worked out great, sometimes they did not. To me it didn’t really matter as my enjoyment was derived from the process of drawing or painting, not the finished project. I scribbled on a piece of paper once to test out some new art sticks I purchased and those random lines inspired a pile of finished drawings and a dozen metal sculptures.

Over time, however, you begin to focus more on the finished product and it becomes more difficult to live up to your previous work. Many people speak of having a fear of the white page. I’m no different. I purchased better quality supplies and didn’t want to waste them on a mistake or a test. Also, more practical concerns took over my life and before I knew it I found I had not completed a finished piece in over a decade.

(well maybe one or two)

This isn’t to say I did not create during this time, but my focus was definitely not on my drawing. Still the creative spark finds a way. I have a box filled with old work notebooks and school pages which contain doodles up down every page. They inspired a project too, but I’ll cover that some other time.

After a year of volunteer work which took up most of my free time, I found I was finally able to focus on my own interests again.  Art was a natural choice. I was always talking about “doing art” again  and over the years I had aquired quite a stack of supplies. Finding some free time I grabbed some paper and a few supplies and there is was FEAR! Feel free to insert ominous music and thunder effects here.

I thought to myself how ridiculous the reaction was, but it was there anyway and would not go away. I knew I should make sketching a daily part of my life, I knew the creative wells were rusted from being abandoned and I knew that I didn’t have the confidence to make a mark in all those pretty sketchbooks I’ve purchased. But what could I do to get the machine going again?

Woman With Wrap

Woman With Wrap

I decided that I would make myself draw something everyday and that what I drew it on would not matter – notepads, gum wrappers old cereal boxes, all were fair game. While I can’t say I resorted to cereal boxes (not yet anyway), I did quickly find that this process started to help me overcome the white page fear. In addition I decided to post this stuff on my facebook account because sharing is way more fun then just saving it for myself. I also believed that if I shared the bad stuff along with the good stuff it might also start to chip away at the fears.

Sharing it turned out to be so much better than I expected. I actually got some positive feedback and it inspired me to keep going and to have fun with what I’m doing. While I know I have a very long road ahead of me, in terms of skill development, I already feel that the wheels of creativity have started to turn and it’s a good place to be in.

Mt Fuji Mushroom

Mt Fuji Mushroom

Welcome

Welcome to my newly developed “Art-Blog”.  After nearly a decade of avoiding my artistic interests, or at least drawing & painting, I decided to begin what I called “The 30 Day Sketch Project” on my facebook account. It was an exersize with the purpose of starting the creative engine again.

I think it was my third or forth scan when I realized  that I was craving more than that forum could provide.   I wasn’t satisfied in  just displaying these sketches and doodles publicly.  I wanted to develop a place where I could post a scan of whatever I was working on, and go into more depth if I needed.   After some research I stumbled upon WordPress. In a strange twist of fate where history repeats itself I was left to battle logic & art.  It has been a common theme in my life. Consider that I spent college switching between Accounting, Art and Computer Science majors.

I found the software and battled databases, html and all kinds of fun stuff us online folks like. Then I searched for templates and kind of found what I wanted. That led me into editing the code behind the theme to begin to build what I wanted. After a week of being obsessed by it all – I felt confident enough to sketch out a few headers, downloaded a code snippet to randomize them and here we are.

 My hopes are to combine my art & writing so I can explore and develop my creative side more fully. This isn’t necessarily a place for only the “good stuff” either. You will most likely find the failures here too. I have no idea where this will lead. Perhaps it will flourish, maybe it will wither on the vine – so to speak – but it’s more about the process, the results are the bonus. Anyhow, in anything you do – there is something to learn and I’m determined to learn, no matter what the pace.